Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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