I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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