Soap is not a condiment
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
