Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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