dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
