woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
