my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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