Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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