Will you blow on my dice?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
