and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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