There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
