I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I had to cum in my sink.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
