I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
