We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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