I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
