She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
