Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
