made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
