you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
