Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Your penis caused this!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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