Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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