Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
