Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
