Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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