if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I FOUND THE LEGS
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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