I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
