explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
