I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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