Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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