WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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