I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
