there's paper in my vomit.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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