The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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