Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me