imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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