I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
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I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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