just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She's the barista slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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