porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
