I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
