Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
