i may or may not be watching the land before time
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
