id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
