we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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