glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
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I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
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Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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