Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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