3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
