wake up i wanna do it froggy style
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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