So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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