Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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