Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
