i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
