they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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