Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
