just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
