I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
