I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
