Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
