I got chris browned last night
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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